


The perfect boy.

by Allamazingfandomsarenotonfire



Category: My Chemical Romance, Panic! at the Disco, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Twenty One Pilots, dan and phil
Genre: Anger, Angst, Bullies, Dark Past, Depression, Flashbacks, Fluff, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Implied bodily mutilation, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Mentions of homicide, Mentions of homophobia, Non-Graphic Smut, Protective Phil, Self blame for an awful past event, Self denial, Severe anxiety attack, Shyness, Social Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts, Trust Issues, Witness Protection, bad home life, broken dan, dark secrets, implied attempted rape
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-03
Updated: 2016-12-17
Packaged: 2018-09-06 05:03:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 12
Words: 19,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8735920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Allamazingfandomsarenotonfire/pseuds/Allamazingfandomsarenotonfire
Summary: Dan's home and social life are a wreck. He's just about to give up when he visualizes the perfect boy; face, personality, interests, everything.And then a boy by the name of Phil, who fits his description perfectly, walks in the door.Could he really be as perfect as Dan imagined him to be?





	1. What a beautiful name.

**Dan's POV**

Just another day I had to drag myself out of bed for. I really didn't want to leave the house, for so many reasons, but those reasons don't exactly compare the reasons why I don't want to stay home, either. Typical sad teenager home life; _Druggie for a mom. A drunk, abusive, mostly absent dad. The only reason I haven't ran away is because my younger brother Adrian needs me here, blah blah blah._ You get my point.

Its just not exactly how everyone makes it out to be. I don't hate everyone around me; _they hate me._ And I'm not asking for a damn pity party either, they truly do despise me. I never really knew why, I never did anything to them. They're just hateful twats that dont understand how irrelevant their opinion of me is when it comes down to what's actually important. But even still, sometimes their opinion can still get to me.

Due to the lack of friends, there's not much to do. I draw, yes, in more ways than one. But I get a lot of cramps in my arms because I do it so god damn much.

_Look at me, having a complaint for everything._

In high school, if you aren't very liked, do they just leave you alone? Oh nooooo, if you're not liked, you really aren't liked. _You're hated._

And that's where the bullies come in. The boys who like to mess with me the most are none other than that twat Bert McCracken and his weak, tweaker looking side kick Quinn Allman.

I really don't know why, but they seem to be fond of humiliating me. I don't have any friends and I barely talk, so they don't have much they can say, but that doesn't stop them from lying. Somehow, every day they have something different planned for me.

I'm glad they don't have any resources.

I would actually die if the ever found out I was gay. They- no, the school- no, the entire damn _town_ is homophobic. Things would be so much worse if they ever found out, so I try to avoid having friends. _You never know who you can or can't trust._  
*****

I quickly walked in with my head down and plopped down in my seat.

I didn't get tripped today.

Awesome.

I pulled out my sketchbook and started to trace the light lines on the paper before me. For some reason last night, I decided to draw the perfect boy. I sketched out everything from his haircut to his eye shape, and it was really turning out. This boy was gorgeous. I imagined he has a dark past like mine, so we could help each other heal and it wouldn't be one sided. I imagined him having the same music taste as me (which is really hard to come by in this town.), I imagined him having a deep rumbly voice. I imagined _everything_. From his crooked smile to his giggle.

I was taken from my thought as a pair of large hands slammed down on my desk.

I flinched.

"Hey there, pussy." Bert chuckled. I remained silent.

"I said _hey there pussy"_ he said crouching down to look at my face. My head just hung and I completely avoided eye contact, remaining silent.

He scoffed. "Whatever." He grabbed my sketchbook and slid it hard off of my table, sending it about ten feet away by the door.

Just as a stranger walked in and picked it up.

"Can I help you?" The teacher asked.

"Um y-yeah I'm the new student."

"Oh, hello! I'm glad to have you here. You can choose any empty space to sit in."

"Yeah. Thanks" he skimmed the room.

Just before we made eye contact, I looked down. Just as I was about to glance and see if he was gone, someone stood by me.

"Can I sit here?" I slowly looked up to meet gorgeous blue eyes with mine. All I could do is nod.

"Thanks man" he said as he chose the seat beside me.

"Anyone else sit here?" He motioned to the two empty spaces across from us.

I shook my head.

"Don't talk much, huh?" He pushed.

I remained silent again.

"I love your shirt by the way." I couldn't help but smile when I realized I was wearing my muse t shirt.

"I believe this is yours?" He said handing me my sketchbook.

"T-thanks." I said quiet and hoarse.

"Oh, so he does speak!" He teased.

I smiled and looked at my sketchbook.

_Then him._

_Then my sketchbook._

_Then him._

I couldn't help but stare in shock.

The picture looks exactly like him.

He met my gaze.

"Yes?" He asked with a chuckle.

I shook my head and looked down.

"Well, I'm Phil by the way." He said as he held out his hand. I trembled and shook it, still staring in awe.

 _Phil_. I thought. **_What a beautiful name._**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm wanting to create a real story with many chapters, a detailed plot, and lots of well know characters. I want to take it seriously.
> 
> Let's see how this goes


	2. I think I already want to save him.

"Well, are you going to tell me your name?" He asked sarcastically after a few awkward moments.

I realized I was still gripping his hand and I quickly pulled mine away.

"Um" I looked down. "I don't think I should.." An awkward silence filled the air, I looked down at my knees and I could feel his piercing blue eyes staring right through me. _Like he was trying to read my mind._

"Why?" He said after a few seconds, his voice was scary. Low. It sounded angry.

My eyes shot over at him, an accidental hint of rage glazed over them, he looked at me questioningly. He raised an eyebrow, expecting an answer, obviously not very intimidated.

I couldn't help but stare for a moment. His striking black hair fell effortlessly- like he tried super hard but not at all at the same time- over his beautiful sea blue eyes that I could just drown in. They looked so focused, so cold.. _So sad._ His pale skin contrasted his hair and outfit perfectly, he was glowing in the bright golden morning light that peeked through the window at the back of the class. I could see a hint of color peeking out of his long black sleeves. He wore a leather jacket, combat boots and black skinny jeans, and some over worn t shirt underneath. I met his gaze again.

I softened my gaze a little. "You don't understand. I'm not welcome at this school. Everyone here hates me. If they saw you talking to me.."  
I glanced around to make sure no one did, then back at him. "Your reputation would be _over_." I looked down again. "I can't do that to another person."  
" _Not again_." I thought. Tears filling my eyes as the repressed memory started to try and tear its way from its cage, peeking through the bars and whispering awful things to me.

"Hey man" he said gently, nudging my shoulder. I accidentally flinched on contact and looked over at him with wide eyes. Nobody has ever touched me without pain following after before.  
"Don't worry about that." He chuckled. "I don't need a reputation. I don't care what they say. You just seem cool. Cooler than those imbeciles." He said motioning over at the twats a few rows ahead of us that were harassing the poor shy girl that sat beside them.

I nodded.

"Alright class, let's begin today's lesson..." The teacher started.

I couldn't help but notice him glancing over every few minutes. _"Maybe he's different."_ I thought. _"Maybe he's not out to hurt me."_

I smiled at the thought. _I just made a new friend._

**Phil's POV**

I can tell somethings wrong with him. He was quiet, but not the good-student-who-wants-perfect-grades type of quiet, _no_. He wasn't even listening to the lesson. He was staring down at his desk with painful thoughts in his eyes. _Memories_. A dark figure lingering behind his pupils just waiting for the perfect moment to rip its way out.

But I was ok with it. I know what it feels like to have those thoughts. Memories. _Demons_. I'm not going into the worst of it just yet.. Or really at all. I dont want to relive that again. But here's what generally happened:

My dad used to beat my mom senseless right in front of me as a small kid. The day she left, he snapped. I didn't live a day of peace after that. I didn't clean my room correctly one day? _Smack_. I didn't cook dinner up to his standards? _Punch_. I didn't clean the house completely before he got home? _Kick_.

Every day was the same thing. It got so bad at one point, I couldn't focus on school. I was held back a few years. Now I'm an eighteen year old sophmore. Why am I still at home you ask? Because I didn't finish highschool. I have to stay at home with my shit father for three more years so I can have a proper future.

A terrible present for a below average future. _Awesome_.

I really don't fit in, I've always loved rock and the color black, so I have snake bites and plugs that I chose not to wear today. I'm gonna be honest, _I'm also gay._ Not many people know, but an old bully told my dad and that's when things got even worse. The beatings were worse than before, because I guess my father hates having a "faggot for a son." So I haven't had anyone over since, because he automatically thinks were gonna screw or something and goes ballistic. The that person never talks to me again. I'm pretty tall and intimidating apparently, mostly because my father used to scar me all over my arms and chest, so I saved money and covered most of it in ink.

I'm covered from shoulder to wrist in beautiful, personal tattoos. Each has a meaning, a positive meaning, to try and cover the horrible memories that they hid underneath.

_It didn't always work._

So here I am today, scared of going home every day because I don't know what my dad has planned for me. But things feel oddly different now, I don't exactly dread being here anymore. I usually hate socializing, I generally hate everybody I meet. I intimate people by accident, I'm usually considered the "bully" or "bad boy" even when I dont do bad things or bully anyone. Its probably because I look like a hateful punk and smoke. But I couldn't be mean to this kid. I tried, believe me, _but I just couldn't say or do anything to scare him_. Everything came off as weirdly sweet and caring, which obviously was unexpected by him. _It even surprised me._

It's like this mysterious, sad looking boy has had some type of affect on me.

He looks so _innocent_.

So _vulnerable._

_Frail._

_Broken._

Like I want to break down his walls and see his worst, then tell him hes still perfect in my eyes.

I don't even know this boy yet.

Hell, I don't even know his name.

_And I think I already want to save him._

I kept looking at him during class, I couldn't help it, but I don't think he noticed. I just want to piece together this puzzle. I want to figure him out. And I want to help him be ok again. Besides the dark glint, his eyes were gorgeous. They weren't just brown, no, they were golden. They shined and sparkled every time he'd look over and the sun would reflect off of his iris at a perfect angle. But they were surrounded with purple circles. His skin was as pale as mine, and his cheeks were sunken in a little bit. His clothes were all slightly too big, his skinny jeans hung off of him a a little. His wrist was tiny and bony. _That's all I could see_.

The bell rang and he slipped a small, crumbled up piece of paper over to my desk then rushed out the door with his eyes down.

I watched him leave, he seemed to be a few inches shorter than me and had long, scruffy brown hair. Like he doesn't even try. But somehow, he's still the cutest boy I've ever seen.

I picked up my stuff along with the paper. I started to walk to the door, then stopped and smiled like an idiot when I unfolded it.

" ** _Dan_**."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Awe yissss  
> Punk Phil is one of my favorites. But I decided punk Phil needs a soft side. I hope it works well >_>  
> See you all again soon, I'll try to update as much as I can.


	3. Someone was hitting him.

**Dan's POV**

I felt myself burn red as I walked through the halls. Fourth hour would suck, of course, because I sit alone in the back and the teacher hates me. Sitting alone is usually preferred, but there's so many group projects and presentations that we do with our table. So all of the stress of the projects are on me, and I have to present alone and if there's anything I hate more than my home life, its talking in front of people. The teacher doesn't care though, she seems to get a kick out of my anxiety attacks. This class isn't completely horrible compared to the hell I have sixth hour they call gym.

I sighed and sat in my seat, breathing steadily trying to make my face less pigmented. Its been red for the past three hours. Then my breath hitched as I saw a familiar face walk through the door.

He glimpsed at my paper I'm front of me for a moment.

"Hello, uh" he patted his pockets. "I seem to have _forgotten_ your name." he chuckled at his own horrible pun. Its was kinda cute though.

"My name- uh-"

"Ayeeeee fluff!" Quinn said as he plopped on the seat beside me.

"What's up pussy!?" Bert nudged me roughly as he sat on the seat on the other side. I looked down at the desk.

Phil stood in silence.

"You here to draw some more emo shit?" Quinn asked loudly.

"Its not-"

"Who's your friend here?" Bert asked pointing up at Phil.

"Uh-"

"Phil." He said sternly. His voice rumbled through the air around me, giving me shivers.

"Well, 'Phil'," Bert stood up and walked over to him. "You don't want to get involved with _this_ here pansy" he said motioning back to me with his thumb. "Just ask him what happened to Chris-"

"Don't." I said loudly as I stood up. My fists were clenched and shaking. I looked up with rage in my eyes, my sudden anger seemed to startle Phil a little.

_"Don't."_

"And why not?" He said stepping towards me until our noses were barely and inch apart. "It was, in fact, _your_ fault."

" ** _No it wasn't!_** " I screamed as I squeezed my eyes shut while they teared up and I shoved him back as hard as I could. He came back with a fist to my jaw and I fell to the floor. He straddled me and grabbed my collar. He lifted me up slightly and punched me in the eye as hard as he possibly could.

My ears started ringing as my head was forced back into the tile floor and the noises around me started to echo and sound distant. I felt the weight above me lighten completely and I tried to open my non-swollen eye. I saw a fog of black pulling what looked like Bert off of me. I couldn't think straight, I couldn't tell what was going on because my eyes started to blur and cross. I saw the black figure force the other person into the wall, and muffled grunts and shouting echoed through my head.

My vision started to clear a little as I saw the dark figure, or what I now saw as Phil, holding Bert against the wall by his chest and throw a fist into his jaw. Bert fell to the side and held his face on the floor. Then Phil kicked him in the ribs and rushed over to me.

"Howell? Hey, look at me" he tapped my face and I shifted my eyes over to him.

"Damn. He got you good. C'mon" he pulled me up and lifted my arm over his shoulder then wrapped his around my waist.

"Let's go to the nurse."

*****

I woke up to Phil sitting on the chair beside the bed I was in with his face in his flip phone.

I tried to sit up but a pain shot through my head as I moved.

"Woah champ." He said without looking up from his phone. "You took quiet a beating. You might want to relax a bit."

After a few more minutes of silence, I spoke up.

"Why did you call me Howell?"

"I somehow forgot your paper somewhere and I looked at your school work in fourth hour to make sure I didn't call you the wrong name. Then I saw your last name, but that was all I was able to read before that asshole came in."

"Oh."

After a few more silent moments, he flipoed his phone closed and stood up abruptly.

"I-I um have to g-go"

"Why? Wher-"

"I'll see you later. Here." He swung his backpack over his shoulder then handed me a paper and rushed out of the room. _It was his phone number._

He looked fearful. _Panicked_. He was completely fearless earlier, what on earth is terrifying enough to make him act like that?

_How odd._

**Phil's POV**

I chuckled when Howell seemed offended about me using his last name. Then I got a message.

"Get yor aas home now. The lomgr yu tak th worst yiur gona get it"

 _Oh god_. Dad was angry again. Obviously drunk. Maybe he'll pass out before I get home..

I told him I had to go, handed him my number, and I left.

I felt kind of bad, he was in pretty bad condition and he probably needed someone to drive him home.

I pulled up in the driveway and took a deep breath. _Here we go._

As soon as I walked in, a beer bottle hit me directly in the eye.

I held my eye and doubled over, trying to protect my face from anything else he'd throw.

"Get in h-here" he slurred.

"Yes s-sir?" I asked quietly as I walked into the living room, hesitating in case he surprised me with another beer bottle.

"I was told to-" *belch* "today that y-you missed three classes" he slurred.

"T-this kid got in a fight a-and I stepped in-"

"so you fought?" He finished his beer and stood up.

"Well he-"

"He? **_He_**?! Is that ' _he_ ' your boyfriend!!??" He shouted in my face and I flinched, gagging at the awful stench of filth, vomit, and alcohol emanating from him.

"N-no-"

"Is he a faggot too?!!!"

"No!"

" ** _Don't raise your voice to me!!!_** " He screamed and punched me in the side of the head. I fell to the floor and he kicked me over and over. In the head. In the face. Chest. Stomach. Then he stomped on my ankle and I screamed in pain.

"Get out of my sight." He spat and turned away.

I scrambled to my feet and limped off to my room as fast as possible. I locked myself inside and sobbed into my pillow. Then my phone vibrated.

"Hello. -danx

Hi -philx

Wut was that all about? Earlier -danx

Nothin. How r u? -philx

Fine. U? -danx

Same. -philx

Thx 4 helping me earlier -danx

No prob. U needed it lol -philx

Lol shut up XD -danx"

We talked for hours. We talked about his situation with Bert and Quinn, but he'd only tell me what I already know. I knew not to bring up that Chris guy Bert brought up, because of Howells reaction. We talked about how we want to run away. He wouldn't talk about home, but neither would I. Privacy is privacy.

"Sorry I gtg. -danx

Ok, ttyl Howell -philx

Ttyl xo -danx"

That last part made me smile a lot. But it hurt, I could feel my face bruising. I limped off to the bathroom connected directly to my room. (My mom insisted I get the master bedroom when we first moved in, before this all happened). And I looked in the mirror. I sighed at the sight, my nose was bleeding, my lip was split, and my face was purple and swollen from my hairline to my cheekbone. I groaned and limped to the shower.

I showered and laid in bed, not even bothering with dinner. I looked at that last text once more and smiled before I turned off the light.

****

I woke up in hope of a less screwed up face, but was met with the same thing as the night before. I grabbed one of the several bottles of porcelain full-coverage foundation my mom bought me before she left because he always bruised in visible spots.

_Gee, thanks mom._

_Thanks for covering for that piece of shit instead of taking me with you._

I pumped a fair amount onto my fingers, rubbed them together, and blended it all over my face with my hands. I haven't had to use this much in a long time. After I topped it off with some of her light powder I took to make it a little more natural looking, I added some guyliner to make myself look less dead. I put in my plugs and piercings, then sat back to view my work. You could still tell I was bruised and swollen, but nowhere near as much as before. I grabbed my phone, keys, and backpack, then left out my window so I wouldn't run into the devil himself.

On my way, I saw a familiar figure walking down the street.

**Dan's POV**

"Need a ride?" I flinched at the unexpected voice.

I looked back to see a beat up car pull up beside me, the window rolling down to reveal the boy who saved me I'm the drivers seat. He had guyliner on today, which made his gorgeous eyes stand out more. I didn't notice he had piercings yesterday, but they looked amazing on him.

"Um.." I hesitated. Seeing such a beautiful creature made me feel so nervous.

"Oh come on, I don't bite" he giggled as he reached over and opened the door.

"S-sure" so I climbed in. He started the car, and I glanced over. Then I stared.

_His face was swollen._

"Oh this?" he chuckled pointing at his cheek. "I fell in the shower."

Something in his voice told me otherwise. That wasn't a simple bruise, that took a few more shots than just one.

_Like someone was hitting him._

"Oh." I said looking down. I had to stop myself from looking again. He was covering it with makeup. I could tell. Trust me, _I've been there._

For the rest of the ride, it was silent. We got there, still silent. We sat there for a moment. I felt angry. Sorry. Like I wanted to do something to help.

_Because someone was hitting him._


	4. Just drive.

The whole ride I was fidgeting with my thumbs uncontrollably. I kept glancing up and him and my heart was racing. He kept trying to make conversation after we pulled in to the parking lot, but I just kept silent. I'd accidentally flinch everytime he'd reach for the knob on the radio to turn it up or down a little. He looked forward with an unsettling look in his eyes.

"What's your problem?" He asked plainly, his eyes still straight ahead. He tried to sound calm, but his white knuckles gripping the wheel gave him away.

"What?" I asked quietly.

"What. Is. Your. _Problem_. With. Me." He asked, sounding more heartbroken than angry.

"I.. I don't-" he looked over with anger and hurt in his eyes.

"Do I scare you? Hm? _Are you afraid of me?!_ " I flinched at the last part where he raised his voice. Panicked, I got out of the car and rushed to get around the building to get inside. He got out as well, and limped over and caught me before I got four feet from my door.

I tried to push past him, but he gripped my shirt and shoved me back into the door behind mine. I winced when he pressed against the bruise on my abdomen I had received the day before, and I leaned back over the top of the car because his force was so great.

"What did I do!? Why are you so _scared_ of me!?" Tears filled his eyes. "Why!? All I've done is tried to help you and you screw with me! Texting me the way you did and refusing to make eye contact with me now!? You're the only person that talks to me and you treat me like a **_monster_**! Why!?" He screamed.

"I don't know!" I screamed back, tears starting to pour down my face from pain and fear.

He pulled me forward and slammed me back into the car. I whimpered in pain. "Tell me the truth! Why do I scare you so much!? **I'm not like my father!"** His voice cracked when he said the last part.

" _You're hurting me..._ " I sobbed, grabbing his hands trying to free myself. But he tightened his grip.

"Good! Then maybe you'll answer me!! Does it have to do with my _looks_? _Voice_? That _Chris_ kid?! Wh-" I shoved him back as hard as I possibly could when I heard Chris' name. Just the sound of his name made the memories tear through my heart and soul like a dull, rusty dagger.

"Don't say that name!!!" I screamed when he fell back and hit the ground, hard. "Don't _ever_ say his name!" I sobbed. I grabbed my backpack and rushed into the building, trying desperately to wipe the tears and ignore the memories.  
*****

**Phil's POV**

I don't know what took over me. This kid was something special, and when he sent me the 'xo' it made my heart flutter. That's the first time I've had someone say something sweet to me in years. I loved it.

But that car ride... It broke my heart.

I thought I had made a friend. But I just made another kid afraid of me. I don't even know what makes anyone fear me, all I want is someone to talk to.. A friend. A companion.

Someone.

 _Anyone_.

I'm so alone...

Seeing him unable to look me in the eyes or say something to me made me snap.

I needed to know why he feared me so much.

I hated being feared. It made me feel like my father.. And I never want someone to ever see me that way. So I snapped.

I didn't mean for it to get physical... But he tried to run. To leave. Like everyone else does. I didn't mean to say Chris' name.. It just.. _happened_. Maybe it did have something to do with him. Maybe he hurt Howell and is afraid I'll do the same. Or the other way around..

But I hurt him. I hate myself for that. But then he hurt me. And I deserved it.. But I still don't know why I'm so scary to him.

 _I just want someone to care._  
******

**Dan's POV**

I got to first hour and sat down late. No one said anything, though. I'm invisible.

But Phil didn't show. I kind of felt terrible for hurting him earlier.. I hope he's okay.

I went through the first five hours of school without seeing him in the halls or in class. I swore I saw him watching me from across the hall before fourth hour, but he didn't show there either. So I assumed he went home.

I walked into the locker room for sixth. I looked at the floor in front of me as I walked, I couldn't risk getting aroused in such an exposing environment. I got to my locker and changed my shirt, then took my shoes and jeans off. Before I could slip on my sweats, they were snatched from my hands.

"Hey angel fluff!" Quinn laughed as he threw them on the floor.

"What up faggot?" Bert chuckled and nudged me again. I ignored them and tried to pick up my sweats.

"Oh no no!" Bert smiled and kicked them away. "You're not getting off free from yesterday." He got super close to me. I felt extremely uncomfortable, they were both fresh from the showers and still in their towels.

"Please just leave me alone." I said quietly and looked at the floor.

"Wait" Quinn laughed loudly. "Is.. Are you _actually_ a faggot!?" He yelled and pointed at my boxers. I couldn't help but realize the steam and the half naked men around me had confused me.. _Down there._

"Oh my shit!" Bert laughed. "You're gay!?" He laughed harder than before.

"No." I said plainly. "Now please let me get to class." I tried to turn away but my throat was suddenly gripped and I was shoved into my locker.

"Not until you pay for yesterday." He leaned in closer. "You faggot."

Him and Quinn, obviously stronger than me, grabbed me and dragged me to the showers. They turned the water on as hot as it would go and threw me in. I screamed in agonizing pain when it felt like the water was melting through my skin. I tried to run out but they shoved me in again.

The pain, the sound of sick laughter, the humiliation, the anxiety.. All became too much. I felt my nose begin to gush blood as it felt like I was having a heart attack.

They dragged my shaking form out of the water and pinned me to the ground. I was just happy to be out of the water.

_Until I realized what was going on._

"If you're gonna be a fag" Bert said as they both dropped their towels.

"We're gonna treat you like one."  
****

**Phil's POV**

I limped through the halls all day, then sat in the bathroom and smoked during class.

I felt like a stalker, because every time I saw Howell I couldn't help but stop and stare.

_He was so beautiful._

He caught me just before fourth hour, so I ducked and his out throughout fifth.

I passed the locker room when I heard screams and laughter.

_That was Howells voice._

I rushed in to see nothing but steam for several feet. I heard the shower turn off, and desperate cries for help. I ran forward to be met with a boy on the floor, and two nude boys holding him down. I just started throwing punches.

I heard my knuckles crack against someone's head. Then another. _And another._ Soon enough, there were two more boys on the floor. I threw the towels at them.

"Get out." They looked at me fearfully.

" ** _Now_**."

They scrambled up and out of the showers. I looked over to see blood mixing with running water, draining beside a boy in a t shirt and boxers.

_It was Howell._

"Howell? Howell are you ok?" I rushed over and winced when my hands hit the boiling hot tiles.

As the steam cleared, I saw a horrific sight.

From his neck down, he was burned. _So bad._ His skin was lobster red and peeling in some places, he was trembling and sobbing.

"P-please don't hurt me" he whimpered.

"I'm not gonna hurt you, its okay I got you." I pulled him into my arms, not caring that I was soaking wet with burning hot water, and I cradled him. I rocked him back and forth until he calmed down.

After I got him up, I brought him back to his locker and he got dressed.

"Maybe you should go to a hospital" I requested as we made our way to my car.

"No. I'm fine. Let's just go to my house." He said as he looked over and noticed my slight limp.

"Don't ask." I chuckled. "You sure we can go to your house?" I asked.

"Yeah. I'm sure my mom is busy and my dads probably out." He said quietly.

As we climbed in, I noticed he was still shaking. He was staring forward and silent, tears starting to pour from his eyes again.

"Just drive." His voice cracked.


	5. I can't do the same thing to Phil.

As we pulled up in his driveway, he silently got out and motioned me to the side of the house.

"Follow my steps" he said quietly

"Why are we-"

"Just in case my parents are home. I'll tell you if its safe." And with that, he climbed on the trash bin to the gutter and climbed over it.

He leaned over the edge. "My window is right here" he said quietly as he disappeared again.

After a few moments, he came back and told me it was safe. I climbed the same way he did, but with a little more of a struggle. I fell into his window and he giggled when I awkwardly hit the floor. I stood and looked around to see his room was very similar to mine, just smaller and it didn't have a lingering cigarette smell. Posters covering every possible wall space, shoes and clothes everywhere, drawing and notes littering his desk. I liked it.

"Oh sorry I didn't think to clean-" he quickly got up from his bed when he realized his art was exposed for every eye to see.

"Wait-" I grabbed his wrist gently as my eyes skimmed over his sketches and sloppily written poems.

"They're beautiful..." I said quietly, running my finger along the lines of one of his sketches.  
It was of a gorgeous colorless rose, barely blooming. I moved it to the side to reveal more unbelievable art, and I looked up at him with wonder and curiosity in my eyes.

"You're work is amazing." is all I was able to get out. I smiled when he looked down and blushed from his forehead down his neck in embarrassment.

"I mean it. This is.." I picked up one of his drawing of a boy and stared at it for a moment, coming to realize _it looked like me_. My eyes went wide and I whispered. "Pure talent."

The picture was suddenly snatched from my hands and the rest were gathered and stuffed in a drawer.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean to invade-"

"No no, don't worry about it" he shrugged.

"Was.. Was that?" I pointed at the drawer. " _Me?_ " I said quietly.

He gently nodded.

I smiled like an idiot again, this is the second time this boy has been able to do that to me. But it made me so happy to know that he was thinking of me in his free time, enough to draw me at least, when I was thinking of him as well.

*****

**Dan's POV**

After the awkward art incident, he went to the bathroom. I sat on my bed and read a book, my burns hurting, but feeling way less awful by now.

"Hey Howell? Do you have any wipes I can use for my makeup? I didn't realize it was such a mess." I looked up from my book and nodded, then reached over and pulled one from the package in my bedside drawer and handed it to him.

"Thanks mate." He sat facing away from me and gently wiped cleaned face. He turned to me. "Where's the trash?"

I couldn't answer for a moment. I froze. _His eye was so much worse than I thought._

"I-Its in the bathroom" I pointed the other way.

He went and disposed of it and sat on my bed again.

"I know you didn't fall." I said quietly, not looking up from my book.

"What?"

"Your eye. I know you didn't fall in the shower."

He was silent for a moment.

"You don't know-"

"I do."

"How?" He asked defensively.

I sighed.

"Because I know what it looks like when someone is hit in the eye more than once."

He was quiet again. When I finally looked up from my book, he was staring at me with tears pouring from his cheeks.

"Hey, hey" I set the book aside and scooted to him, wrapping my arms around him. "Don't cry. Its okay" I said gently.

He wiped his face and looked down.

"I still think you look beautiful." I said quietly, immediately regretting opening up.

His eyes shot up to me. He flushed. Froze for a second.

He got up and ran for my window, but I stood up and chased him.

"Wait!-" I grabbed his wrist and held him back. He looked back at me with tears in his eyes, like he didn't trust me. He didn't believe me. Like he thought I saw this as a game.

But my eyes shifted from his eyes to his lips, then back again. For a second, we stared. I never really took the time to look into his eyes until now. It was hard to explain what I saw, like _ifeelmyselfdrowninginthatseaofblue_? Or _whatoceansinheavenwouldlooklike_? I don't know.. But it was beautiful.

The next moment, I pulled him into a gentle kiss.

"I mean it." I said quietly, but sternly.

With that, he accepted it. He pulled me back in more forcefully, like he's been waiting for this.

Believe me, I have too.

He pushed me back onto the bed and climbed on top of me in between my legs, all without breaking the kiss.

I held him by his hips tightly against me, and he supported himself on his hands on either side of my head.

This felt weird to me. I was almost taken advantage of less than an hour ago, and there was a boy on top of me who I was now kissing.  
A boy who I got on a physical fight with this morning.  
A boy who I was terrified of just six hours ago.  
_And I still kind of am._

But for some reason, none of that mattered right now. I didn't feel violated. Scarred. Hurt. Any of that.

My burns from earlier still hurt, of course, but nothing emotional.

_All I felt was lust._

He slipped his tongue into my mouth and it danced with mine. I broke the kiss to slip his shirt over his head, only to meet our lips again. As he tugged at the bottom of my shirt, I heard a knock at my door. We jumped up, and I pushed him off the side of my bed.

"Get under" I whispered and threw his shirt down with him. I grabbed my book and acted natural as Adrian walked in. I felt relieved when it was just him.

"Hey, Dan" he smiled.

"Hey buddy" I smiled and set my book aside. "How was school?"

"Good! I met two new people today and I think they want to be friends!" He seemed excited.

"Oh really? That's cool, what are their names?"

"I- uhhhhh" he said puzzled. "I don't remember" he giggled.

"Oh you goofball, of course you don't" I laughed. "Do you know where mom and dad are?"

"Moms alseep in her room because of her medicine," _(that's the code word she uses for Adrian for whatever drugs she can get her hands on so he won't know)_  and dad hasn't been home in a few days."

"Ok, thanks bud" I picked my book up again.

"What was that noise earlier?"

"What noise?"

"That bang. The whispering"

I sighed.

"You can come out now, Phil." He climbed out, already with his shirt on.

"Hi" waved awkwardly.

Adrian got super excited and jumped up and down.

"You made a friend!?"

"I did." I giggled.

"Is he your boyfriend??" He's the only other person to know that I'm gay.

"Well," I looked over at Phil and we smiled at eachother. "We aren't exactly sure yet."

***

After he left, Phil was instantly on top of me again. Pulling my shirt off. He called me Dan for the first time, saying it like it was a treasure to him.

 _Meaningful_.

But when he bit my lip and tugged on my hair, my mind raced back. Back in time.

_I saw a different figure above me._

_A different voice._

_He bit my lip and tugged on my hair._

_I saw my room._

_I saw clothes on the floor._

_I remember an argument._

_And oh god-_

_**Chris.** _

I shoved Phil off of me and sat upright.

_I can't do the same thing to Phil. I can't._

"I think you should go.." I pulled my knees to my bare chest and looked down.

"What?" He sounded hurt.

"You should go." I squeezed my eyes shut.

"But Dan... I-"

" **GO**!" I screamed as tears ran down my face.

He flinched and looked at me painfully. He grabbed his shirt and shoes, putting them on, then grabbed everything else.

He walked to my window and looked back at me, wiping a tear as he climbed out.

I heard sobbing, a car start, then tires screech. I laid down under my blanket and cried myself to sleep.

_I can't do the same thing to Phil._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even I'm still trying to figure out what happened to Chris.
> 
> Y'all aren't alone on that one


	6. They were back to how they were before

**Phil's POV**

_What did I do?_

I thought he finally opened up to me and showed me how he really felt... But I guess not.

I looked back at him hoping he'd say something, anything, but he just sat there and refused eye contact. I climbed out the window and let out a loud sob that I had been holding in, and I got to my car and sped off.

Maybe he doesn't love me back after all.

****

**Dan's POV**

I had a dream for the first time in a while that night.

No, I had a nightmare.

It started out wonderful.

It was how things used to be.

That mysterious boy who's name I don't ever speak whom I winked at in the halls and hugged behind the school.

The silence in public,

And the secret kisses behind doors.

The no eye contact in class,

And the muffled whimpers from under my sheets.

But then, he formed a face.

One night, _he turned into Phil._

The muffled whimpers turned into soft cries

The winking turned into hidden sobs

The no eye contact turned into stares of worry

The kisses turned into fights

The hugs behind the school turned into hours of waiting alone

Waiting

And waiting

Until I realized he was never showing up.

Back in the front yard of his home again.

Back to staring at his window, hoping he'd open it.

Back to climbing up to it and looking in, about to knock before I saw the unthinkable.

The flash

My screams

The loud bang

The thud

_And oh god..._

**_The blood_.**

I shot up sweating and shaking, unable to control my breathing and heartbeat.

_I can't do the same thing to Phil..._

I curled up under my sheets and tried to forget the memories again.

But I couldn't.

I sobbed into my pillow until I had to get up in the morning.

*****

**Phil's POV**

I saw that familiar figure on the street again.

I slowed my car, but sped it up again.

He didn't want to see me.

He showed me that last night.

I drove past him and looked in the mirror to see him stop and stare at my car.

I felt guilty for leaving him there...

But I have to accept how he feels about me.

Its Friday, so I won't have to deal with this for two days after today. He's not even of age yet, what was I thinking?? I don't know exactly how old he is, we never discussed it, but he can't be older than 16.

Maybe its a good thing he turned me down.

I don't want to go to jail...

_Not again._

*****

**Dan's POV**

He drove right past me.

Like I wasn't even there...

But I guess that's okay.

Because now I won't have to worry about that nightmare coming true.

****

Class was awkward as hell.

First hour, he sat as far away as possible, which since every one showed up today, was about five feet away.

Fourth hour, he sat all the way across the class room and didn't look at me once. He didn't see Quinn and Bert giving me the death stare. Because if looks could kill, I'd be more than dead.

I got the shit beat out of me in the locker room before and after gym.

He saw the quickly forming bruises and the blood.

_And he didn't say a word._

*****

**Phil's POV**

I wanted to go talk to him so badly. To hold him again.

I felt him staring at me in first and fourth. But I refused to look at him.

We didn't communicate in the halls.

I saw him in the hall after seventh hour and walking home immediately after, but I still stayed quiet.

I saw the bruises. The blood. The limp.

I may be angry with him, but whoever did that to him is going to pay.

_Without mercy._

****

It was finally Monday. I wanted to be able to see him without a choice, so I could check up on him without him knowing.

He didn't say anything to me all weekend.

No texts.

No calls.

No visits.

This went on for two weeks.

Everyday he'd be quiet to the point of complete silence.

Everyday he'd have new injuries when i saw him walking home.

And I have had enough.

******

**Dan's POV**

I typed a long apology text message everyday for two weeks.

I'd read it over and over,

Then I'd erase it.

Bert and Quinn have noticed that Phil isn't protecting me anymore, and they took advantage of that for a while....

_Until they took advantage of me._

****

I was in the same spot as Phil and I were when we had our first fight.

I sobbed against the side of the building, not wanting to go home.

Not wanting to go to school.

I had no one. I was alone once again.

 

"Howell?" I heard a voice ask hoarsely.

My eyes shot up to meet with _whatoceansinheavenwouldlooklike_. Or _icanfeelmyselfdrowninginthatseaofblue_. I still haven't decided yet.

But right now, they look like just another of blue eyes to me.

_And that scares me._

"What do you want?" I said quietly, yet sternly.

"Are you ok?" He stepped closer. I stood up and stepped back.

"I'm fine." I looked down.

"No you aren't-" he reached out for my hand and I pulled away.

"I said I'm fine!" I screamed and turned away from him. He touched me shoulder gently.

"Dan. Let me help you-"

" ** _NO!_** " I turned and pushed him back as hard as I possible could, then cried out and fell to the ground holding my arm. I had forgotten how bad Bert and Quinn had hurt me today, but only my arm.

_There was no forgetting the other placed they brutalized._

He groaned and got up, then walked to me again.

He wasn't giving up.

"What do you want!?" I screamed and protectively wrapped my arms around myself.

"I know they've been hurting you."

My breath hitched.

"But you need to tell me what they did today. I can tell they did something awful. Your limp is worse than before. You seem more upset- I haven't seen you cry because of them like this.

You need to tell me."

I hesitated. But for some reason, I couldn't resist him.

"They..." I took a deep breath in and closed my eyes. I lifted my sleeve.

"Da-... _Oh my god_ " he whispered and gently grabbed my wrist. He stared up and down for several minutes, I could see sorrow slowly turn into rage.

He turned and punched the wall so hard I heard a crack. He didn't care. All he could do is stand and calm himself down.

"What else." He said angrily, but quietly.

"What?" I pulled my sleeve down.

"What else did they do?"

I could tell he knew.

"Nothing."

"Don't lie to me, Howell."

"Why do you even care?" I turned away.

"Tell me what they did." He said with a little bit of sadness in his throat.

"Why do you care!?!"

"Because I do!! Tell me!!"

"They did the same thing as last time, Phil!! But this time you weren't there to stop them!!" I screamed so loud it echoed.

He stood in silence.

"Th-they..."

"Yes, Phil. They did. Now please just leave me alone..." I sobbed.

"Dan-"

"Just go!" I screamed and buried my head in my knees.

"Let me drive you home. Its getting dark."

"I'm fine-"

"You don't have a choice in the matter. Go get in or I'll carry you."

I sat for a minute.

"Fine. I warned you.." He walked over and picked me up bridal style.

"Put me down!" I kicked and shoved. He didn't release, he just smiled and held me tighter while he walked to his parked car.

"Okay! Okay I'll walk!" I began to laugh and kick some more.

"Whatever you say.." He dropped me and I held around the back of his neck, taking him down with me. I landed on top of him, my arms around his neck and giggling. He flipped us over and held himself up with his hands on either side of my head, giggling as well. I let go then set one hand on his chest and the other around his waist. Then we stopped and smiled, and I looked down at his chest and felt myself turn bright red.

He leaned down, and he kissed me.

When he pulled away, I looked into his eyes.

They were back to how they were before.

I decided they were **_Icanfeelmyselfdrowninginwhatoceansinheavenwouldlooklike_**.

_And I loved it._


	7. He could have died.

We laid in the grass and watched the sky go from baby blue to black. We watched the stars slowly appear from behind the black abyss and twinkle as bright as their surroundings would let them.

Kind of like Phil in a way that behind all the black, he's colorful. He sparkles. He's beautiful. _Beyond anyone's imagination._

We kissed under the stars for hours. But it got too cold...

We went to my house again. There was no way I was letting him go home tonight, not after I saw that someone was hitting him.

He was safe here. For tonight.

*****

**Phil's POV**

That had to be one of the best nights of my life.

He shined under those stars.

We went back to his house and we finally had proper conversations.

"So why did you move here?"

"Because my mom liked the elementary school and the house I'm in was the closest one to it." I shrugged.

"So you've been here? You've lived here for how long?"

"Thirteen years."

"Why haven't I ever seen you?"

"We probably went to different elementary and middle schools. I chose to come to this school because I hated the other one."

"Oh.. So we could have never met then?"

"It was a major possibility." He lunged in for a hug.

"I'm happy we did." Then he quickly pulled away.

"Phil."

"Yes?"

"Who hit you?"

I sighed. "My father."

"Your dad hits you, too?"

I looked at him puzzled. "Does yours?"

"Well, sometimes. He's usually gone. Out at god-knows where."

"Oh. I'm sorry"

"I am too."

I knew I shouldn't say it. But I was just too curious I couldn't help it.

"Whos Chris?"

He shot an evil eye at me. Then it quickly changed to hurt and sad, then back to angry. Then nothing.

"I'm tired. We should sleep."

"Wait, Dan I-"

"Goodnight, Phil." And he reached and switched the lamp off. He rolled over to the edge of the bed and faced away from me.

I sighed. "Goodnight, Howell."

******

**Dan's POV**

I woke up the next morning to an empty bed.

I sighed and got ready, then went to school.

"Hey, pretty thing" I heard as a car pulled up. I looked back to see Phil in his beat up car again, and I couldn't help but smile.

I climbed in and buckled up, only to have my hand grabbed and held gently. I looked up to see Phil smiling and red, nervous, with his eyes on the road and his other hand on the wheel.

"Where to?"

"School?" I said questioningly.

"Fuck school" he laughed.

I smiled, I felt like a rebel.

_And I liked it._

"Let's go to the park"

"Whatever you say, princess" he smiled. He took me to a nearby park with a little stream. We swung on the swings and slid down the slides.

He explained how that same morning he saw Quinn and Bert on his way to my street, and he "took care" of them. He wouldn't tell me how, he just said they shouldn't be messing with me anymore. So I happily ran around carelessly.

It was amazing.

Then he got a text. He seemed fearful for a moment, replied, then smiled.

"Who was that?"

"The man who calls himself my dad"

"What'd he say?"

"He's pissed I didn't go to school. Pissed I didn't come home last night. Which I did this morning, to get my car."

"What'd you say?"

"I told him to fuck off" he giggled. "I'm an adult, I can do what I want."

"Adult?"

"I'm eighteen. How old are you?"

"I'm fifteen."

"Oh.." He looked down at the ground with fear and regret in his eyes.

"I'm almost sixteen, though." I smiled. Even though it was still like eight months, it was close enough. "That's technically the age of consent. I'm totally okay with you being eighteen. It affects nothing in my eyes. You have absolutely nothing to worry about." His eyes brightened a little. I grabbed his hand and kissed his cheek.

We laughed and messed around all day. When night time rolled around, we went to his car and turned on the heater.

"Come here, Howell" he reached over and pulled me sideways onto his lap in the drivers seat. He's seen me shirtless, so he knows how skinny I am. He knows how easily I can freeze. He wrapped his jacket around me and held me.

_I felt warm._

_Safe._

_Cozy._

I smiled and took in his scent. I listened to his breathing and his heartbeat, then I felt myself drift off into a dreamless sleep.

 

*******

"Howell, Howell wake up" he gently shook me. I opened my eyes to realize I was still in his lap, but in my driveway.

"You gotta sleep in your bed, its too cold for you out here. Let's get you inside." He helped me out and we climbed up into my window. He tucked me in and turned to walk away. I felt an urge to reach out and grab him, but I knew I couldn't.

I knew it was best for him to not get attached to me. Not be seen with me. He needs a better ending to his story than Chris had.

Chris, if you can hear me, _I'm so sorry._

*****

I woke up less than an hour later to someone crashing through my bedroom door.

"Daniel you little shit!" My dad screamed as he stumbled over to me, obviously drunk out of his mind. I hadn't seen this man in almost two months.

"I got a call saying you skipped today!" He yelled as he smacked me in the face. My cheek burned, and my eyes began to water.

"I-"

" ** _Shut up!_** " He hit me over and over and I just sat and let it happen. There wasn't anything I could do. When I had thought it stopped, I looked up. Then he hit me in the eye.

I heard footsteps and a door slam as I sobbed, holding my eye and shaking. Curled up, terrified, and hurting.

I couldn't sleep after that. I just laid there and cried.

******

The next morining I didn't see Phil pass me in the car.

I didn't see him I'm the halls.

Class.

The parking lot.

_At all._

Quinn and Bert were silent, even to other people, and they didn't mess with me.

But my dad hit me almost every night until he left again.

It was like this for three months.

On the last day, I climbed into my window to find him on my bed looking anxious. He got up and rushed to me, pulling me in for a hug then pulling away.

"Howell, I-" he focused on me for a second.

"What happened to your eye?"

"What happened to _you_??" I asked more worrily. He was bruised worse than before.

"I asked you first."

"My dad." I said looking down.

"That little-" he turned away with rage and went for my door. I grabbed him and held him back.

"Wait, Phil! Its okay! He left a few days ago, he won't be back anytime soon." I had to hold him back from the doorknob with all of my weight. After a few moments, he calmed.

"Why are you here?" I asked as he turned back to me.

"I have to tell you something important. You might want to sit down."

"Where have you been?? Why did-"

"Howell." He stopped me and grabbed my hands in his.

"Howell. I'm not supposed to be here right now. The police, they told me-"

"Police???"

"Let me finish. My dad and I got in a fight over the texts I sent the night I went home. I couldn't get in my window so I went around back, and he was waiting for me. I probably wouldn't have gotten out of it alive if it wasn't for my neighborhood hearing me screaming for help and calling the cops."

I sat in stunned silence.

_He could have died._

"So, I was taken to the hospital for inspection. He ruptured my spleen pretty bad, along with tons of other injuries big and small. Its a miracle I'm alive today. They want me checking in every week until I'm healed. And they also want to keep me under their watch until they find my dad. Because yes, he got away. If he finds me, he'll more than likely kill me."

"He can't.. I won't let him!" I screamed and jumped up, feeling am anxiety attack coming on. He must have noticed, because pulled me into a hug and rubbed my back.

"Its okay, baby. I don't know how long it will take, but I'm technically under witness protection until they catch him. You know how I told you my mom left a long time ago?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, turns out one day while I was in middle school someone found her and beat her to death." His voice cracked at that last part, then he cleared his throat. "So they checked the house and found his phone containing threats traced to her old phone number and enough evidence to say that he was the one who killed her. He ran off, but not too far. He plans on finishing me off. I don't know when I'll see you next.. But I have to go before they find out I'm gone."

He got up and rushed to the window. I caught his arm and pulled him back. I had no words, so I gently leaned into a kiss. He deepened it and cupped my face, turning his head and gently adding his tongue. I felt his tears soaking his cheeks, as well as mine. Before things got too far, he pulled away. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and opened the window. _"I love you, Dan."_ And he climbed out and ran.

I was left in silence.

I stood with wide eyes, tears beginning to burn the edges of my lashes like acid. I held my hand out for him, like I was hoping he'd come back. Like I misunderstood him and he wasn't leaving.

Like he wasn't in such danger.

I stood there, tears tracing his on my cheeks and neck. This time, they were mine.

I just stood and watched him disappear around the block.

_I didn't say a word._


	8. I've met people.

I don't want to get out of bed anymore.

I don't even want to be on _earth_ anymore.

Life without Phil is hell. And its only been two days. No one talks to me, just like before he came along. I stared at the drawing I had created before I met him for hours after he left. Every time I feel angry or sad, I pull out the picture and it makes me smile. I keep having these two specific nightmares where I either relive the locker room.. ' _Incident_ ' or.. Or...Chris.

I wake up in a panic and I reach for Phil beside me and he's not there.

Then I remember. He left.

I live in a state of anger, depression, and worry all in one. I'm so angry his father would do this. I'm sad that the love of my li- or my ' _friend_ ' is in danger. I'm so worried that someone will tell me Phil is dead.. And they'll blame me for that, too.

Its the same thing every day now.

I wake up, sweating and terrified every morning.

I go to school, freezing and secretly hoping I'll look back and see that same old beat up car.

I go through every class staring at the door, hoping I'll see that familiar face walk through it.

I walk through every hallway looking over my shoulder hoping I'll see him watching me from a distance like he did before.

I go through the locker room in fear of being attacked again, but it never happens. They're still always quiet. I still wonder what he did to stop them from hurting me again... I secretly hope they'd throw me in hot water again so he will run in and save me. I'll be in his arms once again.

I walk around the back of the school after seventh hour hoping he'll pull up and take me home.

I climb in my window hoping he'll be sitting on my bed waiting for me, then we can live how we did before all of this.

The longing for him and the realization that I can never be with him battle in my head 24/7.

The craving for his scent and the thoughts of what would happen if I let him in collide.

I always wake up hoping he's there and it was all just a dream.

But he never is.

******

**Phil's POV**

I'm not gonna lie. Its been hard.

I don't care how badass or heartless some people seem to think I am because of my tattoos or piercings, I'm struggling.

Its like a prison here. Scheduled meals, sleep, free time, everything. There's always a guard. Why the hell are they protecting me so much? Why the hell do they care so much?? Why can't I leave? Why can't I go see Dan? I don't see why its such a big deal. I don't see why this case is so important. This prison setting is bringing back too many memories.

Too many thoughts.

Too many nightmares.

I'm just barely healed. I'm almost completely recovered, physically. The emotional wounds aren't gonna scar over anytime soon.

I miss him so much. But I'm also super confused. He's push me away then has ask me to stay with him. He's ignored me then kissed me hours after.

I don't understand.

*****

I can't take this anymore. Its been weeks since I left that window, and they took my phone. I don't know his number so I can't call. I haven't seen him in weeks. I haven't heard from him in weeks.

I think I'm going crazy.

*****

**Dan's POV**

Its been three months.

Three long, painful months.

My father has just gotten worse. He's been here more often, but all that means is more abuse.

He doesn't touch Adrian. Adrian is his perfect little boy who he can't get himself to harm.

Which is a great thing, of course, but that just means I get it ten times worse.

School isn't as bad as it was. I've met people.

Somehow, in this large school I've never met the other different kids. They sit on the other side of the school at lunch and go to 'bad kid' classes and detention a lot. The only reason Phil and I go to two of the same classes is because he failed them in the past so he's in a lower class, he told me about how it was so horrible at one point with his father that school was the last of his worries.

These kids are different. They're smart as hell, very artistic and creative, they just don't apply themselves. I met them just a few days ago, and they've already taken me in like family.

**_~a few days prior~_ **

I decided against sitting in the same spot as always, so I walked around the back of the school and ran into a group of kids smoking cigarettes on a bench.

"Oh sorry m-my bad."

"Hey wait" one of them said as passed the cigarette to the other who was technically in his lap. He squinted his eyes and smiled, then pointed at me. "You're Chris' old buddy, right?"

I winced when he said his name.

"Y-yeah."

"What's your name, kid?"

"D-dan."

"Aye there's no need to be scared." He laughed. "We know all about your situation. After you and Chris broke it off Chris came to us. Any friend of Chris' is a friend of ours." He held his arms out motioning to the group.

"Friend?"

"Yeah, man. I'm Gerard. This is Frank," he patted the top of the kids head who was in his lap. "That's Ray, Bob, Mikey," they all smiled and nodded as he pointed to them. "And those two just recently became a part of our family, too" he pointed to the couple sitting hand-in-hand beside the bench. "That's Brendon and Ryan." They waved.

"And we are the outcasts."

"Hello." I said quietly and waved.

"Make some room" Gerard motioned Bob to climb onto the table part of the bench beside Ray and Mikey who were also holding hands.

"So you said friend?" I asked Gerard as I sat beside him and Frank.

"Yeah, man. We wel-"

"N-no, I mean.. Ch-Chris." That's the first time I've said his name aloud since that night.

"Oh. Yeah, he talked about you everyday until he, you know. He really cared about you, man."

"So he didn't hate me?"

"No, of course not."

He didn't hate me after all. So, maybe his tragic end really wasn't my fault. I felt a huge weight lift from my shoulders as we all talked about ourselves and I became part of their family.

_**~now** ~_

They're pretty great people. They make me feel less alone.

They have my back everywhere I go, and I have their numbers if I ever get in trouble. After I told them about my father, they went to my house and beat him senseless. He couldn't go to the police because he would have gotten into some serious trouble.

So he had to stay quiet.

Being without Phil has left a void in my chest that no one can ever close. I miss him so much. Its been so hard.. But they've helped me ignore the void.

They've treated me so well since that day.

_I finally feel like I belong somewhere._

*******

This has been the first day I haven't cried or had an anger fit since Phil left.

The first time in twelve months.

You heard me correctly, I haven't seen him in a _year_. I'm starting to think I never will again.

But, things have become less and less hard every day. Even though just in the past few days I've still hurt and cried, today I didn't.

In those twelve months so far I've lost bullies and gained friends.

No, a family.

Adrian and I finally went to someone about our dad and they called cps. He went to jail, and now we have a 'nanny' figure taking care of us. She's our neighbor and she comes over every morning and goes home only for the night and a few hours every day.

She's a super sweet lady. Adrian adores her, she's like his mom. He's finally happy.

And, I learned Chris didn't hate me.

Phil has done so much great things for my life since we ran into each other that day.

I'm so happy we met.

******

"What's up, bitches?!" Brendon yelled as him and Ryan came in the door.  
They were the last people to show.

There's been another addition to the family since I met them. Two boys named Tyler and josh were recently found being beaten by Bert and Quinn for being gay, since Phil isn't here they've been at it again. The group went in and saved the boys, then beat Bert and his side kick half to death.

"Your mums so nice!" He said to Gerard with a chuckle as he set a pack of beers on the table.

"I know, right?" Frank laughed and nudged Gerard. He had his legs layed over Gerard's under the blanket and he rubbed Gerard's back. I wish I had Phil here to do that with.

The deals are: Ray and Mikey are together. Gerard and Frank are together. Brendon and Ryan are together. Tyler and Josh are together. Bob is straight, but not looking for love at the moment. And I, well, you know my situation.

"What should we watch?" Ray asked as he pulled out a case of movies.

"Dawn of the dead?"

"That's for Christmas, gee" Mikey giggled.

"Please?" He pouted.

"Ughhh fiiiine."

I couldn't help but giggle at the closeness of these kids. They're really something else.

Right as the movie began, the door bell rang.

"I'll get it!" I got up and ran to the door.

"Could you grab me a beer from the fridge while you're there? I _hate_ warm beer!" Ray yelled from the room.

"Sure thing!" I ran down the hall to the front door and swung it open.

I stood there in stunned silence.

I stared forward in disbelief, only to be met with **_ifeelmyselfdrowninginwhatoceansinheavenwouldlooklike_**.

" _P-phil?_ "

"Hello, Howell." He smiled.


	9. I don't have anywhere else to go

"Howell! Calm down!" He yelled as I pushed him over and over. I shoved him down the steps, into the snow, and down to the ground.

" _Three months!?!?_ They caught him _three months_ ago and you never came!?!" I screamed with the very last push, my eyes filling up with tears.

"I'm sorry, okay??" He stood up and held his hands out as a gesture for me to calm down.

"Three months, Phil. Three horrible months I could have spent with you, but instead tried to accept that I'd never see you again!" I screamed louder, my voice starting to crack and feel raw. "Not only that, but it was after nine fucking miserable months I spent wanting to _die_! I wanted to **_die_** , Phil!" I clenched my fists.

"I wanted to die.." I finally caved in and collapsed sobbing, only to be caught by familiar warm arms.

"I'm sorry." He whispered and sat in the snow cradling me. "I'm sorry.."

******

"So this is the dude you've been talkin about?" Gerard asked before he scratched his head and opened a beer, then handed it to Phil. But Phil declined. Gerard shrugged and took a swig.

"Quiet a catch." Mikey laughed.

"Yeah." Is all I could say. I couldn't look Phil in the eyes. I was still pissed at him... But so happy he was here.

"Howell, can I talk to you really quick? Privately." Phil turned to me.

"I guess."

We went to the other room and I shut the door behind us. He was facing the other wall with his head down.

"I really am sorry, Howell."

"Why Phil? Why didn't you come back???"

"Its a long story." He sighed and turned back towards me again. "I haven't been completely honest with you."

I sat silently.

"But we should save it for later. You should get back to your friends, I'll just go-"

"Nahhhh man!" Brendon swung the door open.

"You can stay here with us, we don't bite." Ray winked.

"We could use another dude, we don't have enough." Tyler laughed.

He just smiled and giggled. He obviously wasn't used to being wanted.

"Okay, sure."

********

That night we watched night of the living dead, ate a ridiculous amount of junk food, and we all (except for Phil) drank until we forgot all of our past mistakes.

******

I woke up snuggled shirtless with Phil, and we were laying on the floor surrounded by other boys cuddled together in awkward ways. And shirts. Apparently, sometime during the night we all decided to go shirtless. I giggled and shook my head, then carefully got up and went to the toilet.

"Good morning, beautiful." Phil smiled as I walked out of the bathroom.

"Good morning." I giggled.

"Get a room, I'm trying to sleep." Mikey groaned without looking up.

"No, don't get a room its just getting good." Gerard chuckled as he rested his chin in his hands and kicked his feet in the air like a child at a photoshoot would.

"Kiss already!" Frank yelled jokingly.

"Fuck off, all of you." Ray said as he turned his head away from the sunlight leekimg through the curtains.

"Is that a hangover speaking, princess?" Bob laughed and nudged Ray.

"Fuck off."

"God damnit, I was dreaming," Tyler whined.

"I'm hungry." Josh said hoarsely.

"You're always hungry."

"Shut up, Brendon" Ryan giggled. "When you talk it tickles my ears."

I just laughed at the stupidity that filled the room just then. These people will always be my favorite.

After a while of lollygagging and messing about, we all fell quiet and relaxed. Ray broke the silence.

"Shit, I gotta go. Its already five pm" Ray checked his phone.

"I'll drive you home" Mikey offered.

"Okay, see you guys later" They rushed out.

"We should go, too." Brendon said gesturing to Ryan. But is wasn't because they had to, they just wanted to be alone.

Soon enough, everyone had gathered their shirts and gone but me, Phil, Frank, Bob, and Gerard.

"I staying here." Frank kissed Gerard's cheek.

"My mom can't come get me." Bob rolled his eyes at his phone.

"I'll drive you" Phil offered.

"Sure, man. Thanks."

"See y'all later" Gerard waved as we also put our shirts back on and wanted out the front door.

It was a quiet ride, me and Phil in the front and Bob in the back.

"Yeah, right here." He pointed to a house right ahead. Phil pulled off to the side of the road.

"Thanks for the ride" he said before he got out and slammed the door.

"No problem." Phil said even though he knew Bob couldn't hear.

He waved goodbye and entered the house. Phil drove me home on yet another quiet ride.

He broke the silence. "Pretty great friends you've got there." He smiled.

"Yeah." I smiled back, but weakly. Then it was silent again.

When we got there we were greeted by my neighbor outside my door. She was throwing salt down to melt some of the ice so it was less dangerous.

"Good morning, Daniel!"

"Good morning." I waved. Phil looked at me questioningly.

"We've got a lot to catch up on." I laughed.

********

**Phil's POV**

I can't believe I'm actually coming clean.

This could go one of two ways: either he accepts it and we move on, or he hates me after and never speaks to me again.

Either way, it has to be done.

We got in his house, which I've never seen anywhere but inside his room.

"That's my neighbor, Linda. She's nice. My brother and I went to someone about my dad and he was put away in jail. So she's like our new mom." He smiled as we walked into his room and shut the door.

"Enough about me." I sat at the foot of his bed and he laid on it on his stomach facing me. "What about you? Where were you?"

I took a deep breath.

"There's something important I need to get off of my chest." I admitted.

His face went serious and he got up and sat next to me.

"What is it?"

"I know who Chris is." I said quietly and fast, then slowly looked up to see his reaction.

"Y-y-....." His eyes glazed over with pain.

"How??"

I felt sudden pain shoot through me when I heard the hurt in his voice.

"I might be.." I took another deep breath.

"What? You might be what?" He grabbed my hand, and I squeezed his.

"I'm the reason he's, Chris, is d-... Is gone."

I felt his hand go cold. I looked at him again to see tears in his eyes. He was pale and frozen.

"How- how would you- why?"

_This is it._

"I rejected that beer yesterday because I've never had a good experience with it. Chris being one of them. This was two days before I heard about his.. His end. I was drinking with friends one night and on our way to my house we saw a boy walking the street. We were gonna just screw with him, but things got out of hand..." I paused, but didn't bother looking at him. I knew what expression he had on his face.

_Pain._

_Anger._

_Betrayal._

So I continued. "We went to him and he was crying. My friends said some nasty things and-"

"Like what?"

"Howell, that's not impor-"

" _What. things._ " He said sternly.

I sighed. "They called him faggot, because apparently he dated one of their male friends and it didn't go well. They threw around homophobic slangs and pushed him around. He kept begging for us to stop but they didn't. Then one of them threw a bottle at him and told him to go kill himself."

After a moment, his hand was torn from mine.

I looked up and he ran to his bathroom. He locked himself inside.

"Howell... I'm sorry" I knocked.

"Go away."

"Look, I know you-"

" _Go away_!" He screamed.

"Howell i-"

Before I finished, the door swung open and he pushed me over and over again. He pushed me to the window and opened it.

"I don't have anywhere to go-"

"You're sick!! You're _HORRIBLE_!! GET OUT!" He screamed and I climbed out. He slammed it and closed the curtains. I heard sobbing fade and then muffle, like he was crying into a pillow.

"I'm sorry." I said quietly before I laid on the roof outside his window and curled up into a ball.

_I don't have anywhere else to go._

******

I woke up to someone dragging me. When I hit the floor and looked around, I knew where I was.

Howell dragged me in through his window.

He threw blankets on me.

"God damn it, Phil. When I told you to leave, I didn't mean go freeze to death on my roof. Why didn't you just go home?" He sounded more calm than before.

"I don't have o-one." I shivered.

"Oh."

"Why'd you let-t m-me in?"

He sighed.

"Well, I thought about what you said and realized you only said "them" and "they".You had nothing to do with it."

"But I didn't s-stop them-"

"I don't care." He hugged me. "You didn't do anything wrong."

I nodded. So it was option A. He was gonna look past my mistakes.

He hugged me until I stopped shivering, then sighed and pulled away.

"And..." He added on.

"I also need to tell my part of the story."

*******


	10. There's so much about me that you don't know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh we're so close to the end. That kinda makes me sad

**Dan's POV**

We sat a few feet apart on the edge of my bed.

I took a deep breath.

I was so not ready to talk about this...

_But I had to._

"So." I began. My voice was shaking and I was nervous as hell. I slowly met his eyes to see the concentration and intense wonder swirling in his pupils, gazing back into mine as if he was trying to read my thoughts.

"Chris... Chris and I, we were like- like a- a _thing_?" I realized I never really thought about what we were. I saw Phil slump back a little as he felt the guilt ipale each of his and every one of his organs.

"And um.. Well, remember when I told you the first day we met how you shouldn't talk to me, how you shouldn't be seen with me, and how if you did it'd ruin your reputation?"

He slowly nodded.

"Well.. Chris is the reason I said that."

I could see him piece the puzzle together and his eyes widened. He already knows how the story goes.

"He befriended me the day he moved here. He was the only person who would interact with me in a positive way, so we immediately hit it off."

I sighed.

"But, Bert and Quinn didn't like that. So they treated him worse than they _ever_ treated me." My voice cracked.

"They'd hold me back and force me to watch while they beat him. While they tortured him. While they- they" I let out a muffled sob into my hands. He tried to come comfort me, but I held my hand out, telling him I was fine.

"It didn't matter to either of us at first. We pushed past it, andi tried so hard to heal him... I can still remember the feeling of his lips against mine." I smiled a painful smile as I started thinking out loud. "I remember the feeling of his skin... How soft it felt against mine. I remember the way he tasted. I remember the way he smelled every day.. God I'd _pay_ for that if it was cologne. I remember the sound of his whimpers and soft breaths as I tried my hardest to heal what those bastards did to him." I realized I was talking out loud, that Phil could hear me. My smile faded, and I looked over at him, feeling bad for talking about another boy like that.

He wasn't jealous. No, he was sad.

He looked so upset.. Like he took all happiness away from me.

He wasn't jealous. _He felt guilty._

"But then we started to argue. Alot. You saw him two days before he died, you said? At night?"

"Yeah." He said almost inaudibly.

"That was they day they forced me to watch them.. _rape_ him. Those guys were beating a _rape_ victim, Phil!" I said, raising my voice. Tears were soaking my cheeks, neck, and shirt.

I saw his heart drop so hard I could almost hear it hit is stomach. Tears crept on the corner of his eyes.

"He disappeared that night. He called me two nights later." I said quietly.

"He told me he was in his room. He was sobbing, and I couldnt understand his last few sentences before the line went quiet. I thought he was telling me to come over. I wanted to help."

I paused. _How the hell am I supposed to say this??_

"I climbed to his window. I was about to knock when I saw him moving between the crack in his curtains. I was hoping he'd look over, hoping he'd see me. That he'd let me in..." My voice went quiet and raspy.

"I looked at him, I admired his beautiful shirtless body, no matter how bruised it was. He was gorgeous. Then I saw him pull something from his drawer..." I squeezed my eyes shut.

"I saw him put it to his head. _Then he pulled the trigger._ "

I heard a quiet sob escape him as I looked over. He brought his hands to his face, covering his mouth and nose. Tears were staining his cheeks as well.

"The _blood_... The _bang_.. His body c-collapsing to the floor... It haunts m-me. It haunts me in my n-nightmares.." I sobbed loudly. He pulled me into his arms and tried to comfort me. Every last memory I had tried to repress, every feeling, sight, scent, smell, sound, taste... It all came flooding back all at once and it was too much for my mind to comprehend. The last thing I remember is sobbing uncontrollably in his arms, looking down to see blood soaking my jeans. I heard my name being called over and over.

I heard ringing.

_Then I saw black._

*******

**Phil's POV**

"Howell? Howell?!" I screamed as he collapsed unconscious into my lap, drenching my jeans with blood as well.

"Baby? Howell? Can you hear me!?!" I sobbed, laying his body gently on the mattress.

The blood was coming from his nose..

I knew what this was. I remember this from before.

This was a **severe** anxiety attack.

"Howell?!" I desperately shook him. I didn't one what else to do.

After several minutes, I was about to give up and call an ambulance. But he shook and opened his eyes in a panic.

"No, don't touch me!" He squirmed and fought, squeezing his eyes shut.

"Hey! Baby! Its me, its Phil! Calm down!" I grabbed his hands with one of mine and used the other to stroke his hair gently.  
"It's okay." He eventually got control of his breathing and opened his eyes. He looked over at me with painful memories coursing through his brain and seeping out from behind his eyelids.

He sat up. "I'm sorry." He said pulling his knees to his chest, calming down and no longer crying.

"Don't be sorry, Howell. Its okay."

"I can't ruin you like I ruined him.."

"You won't ruin me."

"But what if Bert and Quinn-"

"What'll they do? Have they been bugging you?"

"No.. Not since you...- wait. What did you even do?"

I chuckled. "I caught a picture of them making out behind the school one night before I left. I told them if I ever heard of them bugging _ANYONE_ else ever again, I'd print that picture in every printer in the school and tape them all over the walls and windows. But, if they stopped being twats, their secret is safe with me."

He looked at me wide eyed. "They're _gay_??"

"Apparently so. So now we have nothing to worry about. No bullies. No parents. Nothing. We can be happy, together. Eventually."

He giggled and blushed. I glanced at the time.

"Baby, you should go to bed. Its six thirty in the morning. Luckily, its beginning to snow." He pointed out the window. There were beautiful speckles of white falling silently past the window.

"So there probably isn't any school tomorrow."

He smiled and crawled under his sheets.

I smiled and nodded, then turned and walked for the window. I felt a weight pull my arm back, and looked behind me to see his small pale hand gripping my jacket sleeve. A pair of big, gorgeous golden brown eyes staring up at me. 

"Please stay" he said quietly.

"But Howell, its been a year now... I'm almost 20. Its not right for me to even be here-"

"I'm almost 17. So it's okay." He reassured me.

"Howell. There's so much about me that you don't know.." I looked at the ground. I felt his grip loosen on my sleeve.

I sighed. "There's another story."


	11. Eight hundred and seventy four.

**Phil's POV**

I sat down by him on the edge of his bed again.

"I've been to prison."

 _What a great start._ I thought to myself.

"His name was PJ. This wasnt even too long ago. I'd still be there if I wasn't released early. I still don't even know why the hell I _was_ released, they never told me." 

He scooted closer to me and gently placed his hand on mine.

"It wasn't even necessarily because of age. They did hold that against me, though, because I was 17 and he was 13. I know how sick that sounds, but he told me he was 15 and I believed him. He looked way older than 13, and I trusted him. I didn't think he'd lie to me like he did." I shook my hand.

"So if it wasn't illegal, why'd you do time?" He asked quietly.

"Because his dad walked in on him with his hand in my pants. I didn't really want him to, but he insisted. He said that I had a long day, and he wanted to take the edge off. He pretty much begged me to let him touch me." I sighed. "He was enjoying himself more than I was, then his dad walked in. He started screaming at both of us, then PJ immediately started crying and saying I made him do it."

"What'd you say?"

"I told him the truth. Then he asked my age, and once I said 17, he called the cops on me."

"What then?" He pushed.

"Who's word do you think they'll believe? A 17 year old with piercings or a sobbing 13 year old?"

"Yeah. Go on."

"I ended up going to trial. He sobbed and sobbed and got pity from everyone there. He said I forced him to do it on multiple occasions, even though the time he wanted to was our first. I said I thought he was older and how he wanted it, but everyone shunned me. I was hated. I lost the case."

"What'd they charge you with?"

"Child molestation."

"How? You weren't even 18!"

"I was close enough. That kid made the judge _hate_ me. All because he didn't want his father to get him because he was gay."

"Where is he now?"

"His mom flipped out and they moved across the state."

"Oh."

"I was sentenced to three years. The inmates surprisingly never really bothered me. I was beat up a few times for dumb reasons like they wanted my cigarettes or whatever, but that's all. Maybe it's cause I'm so much taller than a lot of them." I chucked. "Anyway, they let me out just after I turned 18 on two and a half years probation, which ends in less than a year. My dad punished me when I came home for going to jail. I hated that school after that. Everyone treated me like a terrible criminal. So, I transferred to a new one."

"Punished you?"

"There are hundreds of scars under my tattoos. That's most of the reason why I have them."

He traced the ink with his fingers and sadly sighed.

"Is that why you never want to stay?" 

"Yes. The time I did... I shouldn't have. Its just not a good idea.."

"But I'd never do that to you."

"I know... I just don't want to get in trouble. If they were to find me in an underaged kids room right now I'd be done for." 

"They won't. I promise." He kissed my cheek.

I nodded and kicked off my shoes. I removed my jacket and climbed under his covers. He was so much tinier than me, I didn't notice that until now.

I cuddled up behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist

"Phil?"

"Hm?"

"You know, I never got to say it back."

"Whats that, dear?"

"I love you, too."

I smiled and held him closer. As that sentence replayed in my head, I felt my face burn bright red. I laid still, feeling his ribs rise and fall as his breathing began to slow. Soon enough, he was asleep. I laid my head on his shoulder and intertwined our legs.

He was so warm.

He was so cute when he slept, tiny, quiet snores escaped him every now and then. I glanced at his alarm clock again.

Seven forty six in the morning.

I relaxed and closed my eyes.

I was exhausted.

I focused on his faint heartbeat, and smiled. I slowly drifted off to sleep as well.

********

**Dans POV**

"Phil!" I whispered excitedly.

He looked over with squinted, tired eyes. "What?" He groaned. 

"Look! The snow is so beautiful!" I jumped up and down like a child. I opened the window, letting in a ridiculously cold gust of wind. He sat up quickly, looking at the time.

"Five thirty three pm? Howell, why didn't you wake me??" He jumped up and grabbed his jacket.

"The news channel said no school today." I smiled.

He sighed in relief and dropped his jacket. He fell back onto the bed with his arms above his head. 

I crawled up onto him, straddling his hips. I had one arm behind my back and the other on his chest. He lazily lifted his arms and draped them around my waist, smiling with his eyes shut. I leaned down and kissed him gently on the cheeks, forehead, nose, chin, then lips. As I tried to sit up, he brought one of his hands to the back of my neck and and pulled me back down, kissing me a little harder than I had kissed him. He released me after a few moments, and when I sat up he opened his eyes.

He stared in silence for a few seconds.

"You're so beautiful."

"Not as beautiful as you" I giggled.

"I have a secret." I said quietly.

"And what's that?" 

I motioned for him to come closer, and he propped himself up on his elbows. I leaned in slowly to his ear, then I smashed a handful of numbingly cold, melting snow into his face.

He yelped in surprise, and I tried to get up and run, giggling.

As I ran for my door, he grabbed me by my waist and threw me back onto my bed, pinning me down.

"You little heathen." He chuckled. He pinned down one of my hands with his knee and scooped the snow from his cheek, smearing it into my face.

I squealed at the unexpected cold sensation, then wiggled free from his grip. I grabbed my shoes and ran out my bedroom door, him following close behind.

"I'm not done with you!" I heard him say from the room. With no where to hide, I ran out the front door. I left it open as a trap, and I scooped a large amount of snow into my bare hand, not caring how much it stung.

Soon enough, he fell for it. I smashed the ball of cold misery into his face once more, and he laughed maniacally, grabbing my arm and pushing me into the snow. He kicked snow on me and I got up and ran back inside unable to control my laughter.

I got to my room and shut myself inside, hiding under my bed. I took deep breaths and finally controlled myself into silence. I flinched when the door swung open, and I listened for footsteps. After a few moments of silence, I felt hands grip my ankles and pull me out.

I kicked and giggled, and he smiled as he grabbed my hips. I squirmed a little and grabbed his hands.

"Oh, ticklish are we, Howell?" He smiled evilly.

My smile fell as I realized he had just figured out my weakness.

"N-no!" I said trying to get up.

"Yes you are!" He laughed as he tickled me all over my stomach and sides.

"Noo! P-phil stop-!" I was cut off with my own laughter. I tried to push him away and get up, but I couldn't breathe because I was laughing so hard. I tried to talk and beg for mercy but I couldn't even get words out.

He stopped tickling me and let me catch my breath.

"I almost peed myself you twat!" I giggled as I pushed him to the floor.

"Good!" He grabbed me and took me down with him.

"Shut up" I chuckled. 

"Oh, you know you love me." 

"Of course I do." I reached over kissed his cheek, then rolled back over onto the floor. Soon enough, I felt myself start to shiver. The snow was melting in my clothes and the window was still open.

"I'll shut the window." He said as he scooped me up and set me on the bed. He walked over, then shut it and locked it. He closed the curtains.

"Damn, its already dark." I chuckled.

"Yeah." He agreed.

I got up and grabbed sweatpants and a shirt, then another set for Phil.

"Here" I handed them to him. "Its cold as hell."

I slipped off my wet jeans and shirt. I glanced over to Phil who had done the same thing. He was so pale. So beautiful.

His tattoos danced and glided up his arms and across his shoulder blades.

So elegant.

His hair was so beautiful with the melting droplets of snow rested at the top. I slipped my sweats and shirt on and turned to him.

"Howell, your shirt is too short" he laughed as he turned to me. I couldn't help but giggle when I saw it rested a few inches above his boxers. 

His boxers that rested dangerously low on his hips. I stared at his v line as he removed the shirt and set it on the table.

God this boy was hot.

My eyes traced his v line to his toned, pale belly, then his chest to his face.

He smiled, embarrassed because of how much he was showing me.

*******

**Phils POV**

I closed the window when I realized how cold it was getting. He offered me a set of dry clothes, and there was no way in hell I was rejecting that.

I watched as he removed his jeans, and I saw a set of beautifully pale legs. I'm not gonna lie, he had a cute butt.

My eyes glided up his spine when he stripped his shirt, and I stared in awe at his gorgeous figure. 

I don't care how thin he is.

He's fucking gorgeous.

But my smile faded when he turned a little more towards me.

Scars.

So. Many. Scars.

I saw the ones that Bert and Quinn had left first, then hundreds more that he had left himself.

The pink, fragile skin glistened in the lamp light.

How had I never noticed them before?

I turned away just before he looked to me.

I soon realized that my torso was too long for his t shirt, and I laughed at my abnormality.

"Howell." I chuckled. "Your shirts too short." He turned to me and giggled. I took the shirt off and set it aside next to the sweats I'm borrowing. I looked back to him to see him look from my chest to my eyes.

********

**Third person POV**

The boys stood in silence for a moment.

Dan couldn't stop thinking about how low Phil's boxers rested.

Phil couldn't stop thinking about Dan's scars.

Phil quickly pulled Dan into a hug.

"Count them." He said quietly in the other boys ear.

"What?" Dan said confused.

"Count every scar on your beautiful skin and tell me how many times I wasn't there for you when I needed to be." His voice cracked.

Dan stood silently for a moment.

"I already know." He said quietly.

Phil winced. He nodded. He needed to know.

"Eight hundred.. a-and seventy four." He whispered.

Phil whimpered quietly before pulling away.

"It isn't your fault." Dan looked down, only to gave his wrist pulled forward. He felt a gentle tickle as he looked up, seeing Phil kiss every scar on his left arm from his wrist to his shoulder.

Every.

Scar.

He released his arm gently and did the same to his other arm.

Dan lunged forward and kissed Phil on his healing lips with tears in his eyes, knocking him back onto the bed. Phil pulled away after a few moments and flipped them around, laying Dan softly on his back. He lifted Dan's shirt up over his head, and kissed every scar on his chest down his stomach.

He got to his hips and gently grabbed the hem of his pants, pulling them down his ankles and to the floor. He kissed every scar from his knees up his thighs. He noticed newer ones on his right thigh, and kissed them twice each. He knew for sure those were because of him. Dan let out tiny gasps the higher Phil went.

When he had finally finished kissing every wound, finished trying to heal every scar, finished replacing the painful memories with sweet, gentle touches, he went back up and hugged Dan tightly.

"Please... Never hurt yourself again." He whimpered.

He felt Dan nod, and with that, he met his lips with a pair of soft, velvet-like ones.

He licked Dan's bottom lip gently, and he quickly parted them. Phil slipped his tongue in and danced with Dan's, in perfect harmony. He memorized the taste of Dan, and he savored it. 

The fear of being betrayed, caught and put away again slowly blurred and vanished.

The fear of destruction and losing another boy to his own hand faded and became irrelevant.

All they feared now was not giving the other boy as much as he deserves.

Phil pulled away and kissed down Dan's stomach, nibbling on soft sections of pale skin leaving a trail tiny red marks all the way down.

And Dan loved it.

He got to the hem of Dan's boxers and looked up.

"Are you sure?" He asked. He knew this was risky. He knew what Bert and Quinn did. He knew what he and Chris had done together. He didn't want to hurt him. "I don't want to bring back any negative memories.."

"Oh.. Chris and I.. We never.. It was just touches" he said in between pants.

"Bert and Quinn?" He said quietly.

"They only made me touch them. They just beat me.. But they never went all the way. They said it was too risky because it left evidence" he stuttered out. He was so caught up in the moment, he couldn't talk right.

That's when the boys realized they were both virgins. 

That just made it even more special to them.

"Please.." Dan said with hunger in his eyes.

Phil nodded.

He gently pulled his boxers down and dropped them to the floor. Then he did the same to himself.

He looked over Dan's beautiful, frail body and his eyes glazed over with lust and want. 

No, _need_.

He needed Dan as much as Dan needed him. 

They both needed each other. They both desperately needed this.

Dan pointed to his beside drawer.

Phil nodded and went over, opening it to retrieve what they needed.

He walked back over to the foot of the bed and after applying the substance to himself, he crawled in between Dan's legs.

"Are you _sure_ you're ready for this?" He asked concernitively.

Dan rested his hands on Phil's back and desperately nodded.

"Are you?" Dan asked as he pulled back a little.

"Of course. I'm definitely ready"

Phil prepped him as gently as he could. Dan only winced once or twice, so he thought he was ready.

"Please. Do it.. I need you"

"Are you sure?"

"Y-yes. Yes baby I'm positive"

He dug his nails into Phil's back and winced when Phil did what he was asked to.

This hurt way more than Dan expected.

"W-wait" he whimpered as tears poured from his eyes.

"As long as you need, darling." Phil said comfortingly.

After a few moments of adjustment, he wiped his cheeks and nodded.

Phil continued and Dan whimpered loudly and squeezed his eyes shut. Phil began to stop but Dan shook his head.

"I'm okay. Keep going"

After about ten minutes, Dan was finally adjusted and okay.

After he got past the pain, all he could feel was magic.

When he closed his eyes, all he could see was fireworks.

Phil's scent overpowered Chris' and all he could think about was Phil.

Phil.

_Phil._

**_Phil._ **

The painful memories he was holding onto slowly became good passing thoughts from good old times.

The smell of Dan's room seeped into him in every way possible, and it was the most amazing smell he's ever experienced. He never wanted to breathe in any other form of oxygen again.

Dan's quiet whimpers and desperate whispers overpowered the painful memories of abuse and false accusations. All he could think about was Dan.

Dan.

_Dan._

**_Dan._ **

The awful words said and the awful things experienced in his past slowly crumbled into the beautiful feelings he felt in the present.

The feeling of Chris' skin was replaced by the feeling of Phil's.

The feeling of guilt was replaced by the feeling of complete and utter pleasure.

The feeling of violation was completely obliterated by the feeling of gratification, contentment, and electrical shock waves.

The sound of Chris' voice and pants were replaced by Phil's deeply spoken words and quiet moans.

The sounds of inmates surrounding and taunting him were overpowered by the sounds of Dan. Just  _Dan._

The sound of cries, screaming and arguments were replaced by the sounds of sweet things spoken in gentle, meaningful whispers.

The loud sounds of gunfire were replaced by the loud sounds of the headboard thudding against the wall.

The sight of Chris' eyes begging for more was replaced by  ** _icanfeelmyselfdrowninginwhatoceansinheavenwouldlooklike_**

 The vision of PJ betraying him was destroyed by the visions of the beautiful creature below him.

The flashbacks of the torture and abuse he forcefully witnessed was replaced by the mental pictures of the love of his life lingering above him.

The taste of Chris was cleansed and took the form Phil. He tasted of cigarettes, peppermint, and lust.

The taste of bitterness and betrayal was forever exchanged for the taste of Dan. The taste of Bubble gum, need, and fireworks.

Every bad memory or sense from the past was soon destroyed.

The good memories took over.

This was the happiest they have  _ever_ felt before. 

The pain and pleasure mixed into one and created the  _best_ possible feeling Dan could  _ever_ imagine. It had him sobbing, whimpering, and begging for more.

"I love you, Dan" Phil said between pants. "So fucking much"

He never called him Dan. Hearing his name come from the physical representation of perfection made this moment a thousand times more beautiful. Sensitive. _Memorable_.

"Phil, i-i love you t-too.."

Just as he said it back, they were both sent tumbling over the edge. They both slowed. Their breathing in sync, their bodies and minds unable to comprehend the amount of pleasurable shock waves that shot through every inch of their body, deep into their soul to the hairs standing up on their skin.

Phil rolled over to the side and laid close to Dan, both boys sweating and trying to catch their breath.

"Stay." Dan panted.

"What?"

"Stay here, with me. Forever."

Phil rolled over on his shoulder to face Dan.

"You mean.?"

Dan turned as well to face Phil, their noses only centimeters apart.

"Yeah." He intertwined their fingers together. He placed his other hand gently on Phil's cheek and smiled.

"Move in with me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot to mention before that I'm aware of the incorrect age gaps, I just needed to change them so they'd fit the story ;p


	12. Will you be my boyfriend?

"A-are you sure?" Phil said with a loose grip on Dan's hand.

"I'm positive."

Phil smiled and squeezed his hand.

"Okay. I'll move in with you."

*****

"Here we are." Phil said as he pulled out his keys and searched through them. He found the one he needed and unlocked the lock on the door, sliding it up with a loud rattle that shook the walls.

Dan giggled when he saw the five small boxes piled in the middle of the unnecessarily large room.

"Oh shut up, I told you we didn't need a moving truck." Phil chuckled. "This is everything I've ever owned, everything I know and love." He turned and pulled Dan towards him by his waist. 

"Besides you." He smiled and kissed Dan on the forehead. Dans cheeks burned a bright crimson color and he couldn't hold in his large grin.

"You're so pretty, Howell." He smirked.

"Oh, stop it." Dan joked as he nudged Phil then blushed and looked down.

Phil pushed him against the wall beside the open door and cupped his face in one of his hands. 

"I mean it." He kissed him harshly and then pulled away.

"Somethings different." Dan smiled. He liked it.

Phil leaned in to his ear. "I don't know why. But after last night, I crave you more than I did before." He purred.

Dans heart jumped.

Phil released him and walked into the storage unit, leaving Dan confused and hot against the wall. 

"It's kinda sad, you know?" Dan looked over at Phil questioningly, still catching his breath. "How my entire life, my entire existence, all fits into these few insignificant little boxes." He shifted his weight from one foot to the other, crossing his arms.

"Is this really all I am?" Dan heard his voice crack.

"No, Phil. Of course not." Dan pulled himself out of the mental state Phil left him in, and he walks over and placed his hand gently on Phil's shoulder. He looked into the almost empty unit as well. "You aren't just what's in these boxes. You left pieces of you when you saved me in that locker room, you left pieces of you when you kissed me on the school lawn. You're so much more than these items." He looked over at Dan interestedly. "I actually think it's cool how you haven't gotten super emotionally attached to a lot of things. It just leaves more room for me." Dan joked.

He smiles and nudges Dan, shaking his head.

"Thank you."

Dan nodded.

"Alright Howell, let's get this over with."

 

 

 

After about two and a half minutes of packing boxes into Phil's car, they climbed in and sighed, relaxing back into the seats. 

They looked over at each other in sync.

"It's still early" Dan suggested.

"Howell, it's 9 at night."

"That's early"

"No, Howell. It isn't. We should go home." He laughed. He reached over and lovingly grasped Dan's hand in his own. Phil looked at the steering wheel, Dan looked at the glove box.

"What did you mean by 'crave'?" Dan asked, still staring blankly.

 Phil chuckled sort of darkly.

"Exactly what I said." He leaned over to Dan's ear, Dan not moving from his position.

"I crave you like a druggie craves heroin." He licked his ear gently, Dan's breath hitching.

After a moment, Dan turned and clashed his lips with Phil's, entangling his fingers in his black fringe. Phil didn't hesitate to kiss back, pulling Dan closer by the front of his shirt.

Dan soon scrambled over, straddling Phils hips.

Clothes were frantically torn off.

The seat reclined.

They desperately repeated what they did the night before.

But this time, it wasn't as gentle as awkward as before. They both took what they wanted without hesitation.

They didn't have anything with them, but they didn't stop.

Luckily, pain soon escalated to overwhelming pleasure.

The car rocked.

The horn beeped a few times, earning jumps and giggles from the two boys.

Those fifteen minutes felt like eternity.

An eternity they would both gladly stay in forever.

 

 

 

Dan rolled off of Phil, over the center console, and onto his seat. They panted for a few moments, then Phil chuckled.

"What's so funny?" Dan said catching his breath.

"We just had sex in my car. Now my car smells of it." He smiled and shook his head.

Dan turned red and looked out the front window into the empty parking lot.

"Don't worry, it's not a bad thing."

Dan looked over questioningly.

"It smells like us."

"Phil, don't ever say that again" Dan laughed loudly in disbelief.

"What? Why?" Phil was clueless.

"If I have to explain it, then we should just leave it." He giggled and shook his head, pulling his pants up, not bothering with his boxers or shirt.

"What? I want to know-"

"Phil." Dan laughed at his odd innocence. He didn't know Phil didn't understand most of the sexual inuendos he made, but apparently he didn't. "Don't worry about it. Let's just say, it's weird to say we smell like sweat and intimacy."

"Oh. Ew"

Dan laughed once more. He shook his head and leaned back in his seat as his boyfriend started the car. 

Then he realized that they still weren't official. His smile faded a little.

*****

The rest of the ride home was silent.

Dan had his head leaned against the window, Phil had one hand on the steering wheel and the other rested on Dan's thigh.

When they finally got home, Dan woke up to Phil gently shaking his shoulder. 

"Baby, it's time to wake up. We're here" he whispered gently.

"I'll get the boxes, you go to bed." 

Dan stretched and shook the sleep off, then snuck around the car, scooping up three of the five boxes and spinting inside. From outside, he could hear Phil realizing what happened.

"Damn it, Howell!"

Dan giggled uncontrollably as he set the boxes beside his bedroom door, dove into bed under the covers, and pretended to be asleep.

Expecting Phil to come cuddle him, he squealed in surprise when Phil dropped the boxes and pounced on him.

He held him down and pulled the covers to his himself, and smirked.

"When you don't listen, that makes you a bad boy, Howell." He pinned Dan's hands under his knees. "You know what I do to bad boys?"

That mischievous glint in his eyes gave it away. "N-no.. please do- NO!" He squeaked and thrashed around when Phil dug his fingers into his ribs.

"Phil! P-please have mercy!" He screamed between laughs.

"I'm gonna pee!" 

"Well, that's attractive." Phil giggled.

When Dan could hardly breathe and he started to snort and tears peaked, Phil finally let up. 

Dan was panting and red, just laying there sprawled out when Phil rolled off of him.

Phil started at him for a moment, the most intense he has yet, and he stood up. 

Dan didn't pay much attention to him, he just closed his eyes and smiled, thinking about 'their smell' from earlier.

He felt a cold metal thing touch his hand, and he looked over to see Phil slipping a silver ring over Dan's right ring finger. Dan almost sat up, but Phil climbed back on top of him and slipped a matching one on his own.

"W-what this?"

"Awkward if you say no" Phil giggled nervously.

"What?"

"Howell, I've never been as happy as I am with you. You lighten my darkest days with that beautiful smile of yours. This" he held up his hand. "Is a promise ring. It's my promise to you that I'll be yours and only yours through now, marriage and maybe even adoption.. God I hope we make it that far. I love you, Daniel." Dans breath hitched when he heard his first name. "Howell, will you be my boyfriend." Phil hopefully grabbed Dan's hand.

Dan smiled silently for a moment, gripping Phil's hand back.

"I'd be honored, Phil. I love you, too."

Phil smiled excitedly. 

He rolled to the side and climbed under the covers. Dan checked his phone.

"Gee wants us to go to his house tomorrow night and watch movies. You in?"

"Us?"

"Yes, us. My friends are yours, Phil."

"Okay. Yeah I'm in." He smiled.

Dan nodded, replied, then snuggled back into Phil's arms.

He happily played with the ring around his finger until he fell asleep that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is the last! D:

**Author's Note:**

> I'm wanting to create a real story with many chapters, a detailed plot, and lots of well know characters. I want to take it seriously.
> 
> Let's see how this goes.


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